Fragile Pregnant Women

Being a pregnant acrobat is really quite frustrating, it's mainly people who make it so. Everyone is so eager to give me advice and tell me what I CAN'T DO… well, I can. I'm not super human or anything but I can still put my hands palm flat on the floor between my feet, I can still do at least 12 pull ups at a time, sets of pushups, squats, lunges, splits, etc and people get mad at me and tell me i'm going to hurt myself and my baby by doing these things. I climbed the ropes to the top at Santa Monica beach last sunday to the stares of horrified spectators.
So I get on the elliptical machine at my local gym, or treadmill, or stair climber and oh, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ELEVATE YOUR HEART RATE PAST 150 WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT!! Well why the hell not? I've known women who ran marathons at 8 months pregnant… I take a yoga class and the teacher flips when she sees me stretching my shoulders in a bridge stretch… she nearly has cardiac arrest when I press up into a handstand and do different leg shapes, I almost lost my balance due to her screeching at me and not because i'm pregnant.
I walk in to the step class and the teacher takes one look at me and tells me not to participate because the risk of me tripping is too great and wouldn't allow me to stay in the room… I do the splits and women come up to me and tell me i'm going to injure myself because my ligaments are jelly when I'm pregnant. I listen to my body, I feel fine and my baby feels fine… I get small cramps if I do something that I'm not supposed to do and i know better than to attempt it again…

Well what the hell am I supposed to do? Lay in bed all day? That is NOT ok by me. People at the gym treat me like i shouldn't be there because weight loss is unhealthy when you're pregnant… I'm not at the gym for weight loss, i'm there because I want to remain fit so that I can more easily recover my extreme fitness post partum, that way the only thing that will take time to get back is the contortion and hand balancing as well as my endurance. Won't take long.

I am just excited for when we move to Utah because we are getting an apartment complex that has a fitness center so hopefully I can work out IN PEACE and not have to deal with the opinions of others… I can just throw on my earphones and ride that elliptical machine as hard and fast as my body feels… I get a TON of energy while i'm pregnant so why not? :-)

Here is a couple of photos of me before the pregnancy. I had so many comments on Facebook that doubted whether I was really a woman and that I certainly couldn't get pregnant with all the testosterone in my body… haha, Yeah right :-P

Aerial Dance Baby Wraps

I am excited, I saw a woman at the china town here in Las Vegas carrying her baby in some fabric sling that she bought. I stopped and asked her about it since i'm pregnant and she told me it was called a "Woven Wrap" or "Ring Sling" so when i got home, I did my research but I was a little discouraged as many of these woven wraps were $100+ I decided to youtube the wraps and realized, hey, I could easily do this with my aerial fabric, I am a distributor after all so I have lots of access to aerial silks. http://www.aerialempowerment.com/aerial-store.html

I don't have my baby yet to test this theory, but aerial fabric is a very soft, breathable, medium stretch knit fabric that is very strong and also very wide. It ought to do the trick just fine… After seeing a few of these videos, I will try this out with one of my old 6yd high stretch aerial hammock that i have laying around. :-)

Performer Ego

Good news is my stress is out the window, Roilan and I had a gig on Saturday the 25th in Los Angeles for a wedding. It was marvelous, beautiful place, amazing atmosphere and nice people. It was also one of the easiest gigs we have had in a long time. Reason being is when we perform in the Vegas Casinos, they usually have us to park in the garage parking and then we have to carry all of our props ourselves through the parking garage, through the elevators, through the casinos, through more elevators to get to where we need to go... With this wedding, it was simply pull around the back of the building, carry props in only maybe 20ft, finished. It was glorious.
My part was I was stilt walking which is not recommended for a pregnant woman and I understand why... Your blood circulation changes as well as your center of gravity. Everything turned out fine and I was very careful and asked Roilan to watch me closely incase I needed help, but I spun my poi flags and stilt walked for about 20 minutes and I was good. My legs had gone completely numb and white in the stilts so I knew I was done. When I started walking normal, both of my legs got that annoying tingling fire sensations that tends to happen when the circulation comes back.

Roilan killed his performance, I never get tired of watching him. He is so incredible. We also invited Brennan and Kate to perform since Roilan and I could no longer do the acro routine so far along in my pregnancy. They did amazing and I love their energy together.
After the wedding we stayed with a dear friend of ours, Robert. He lives in Los Angeles and runs an amazing company GenXLabs which is currently one of our sponsors. They specialize in elite nutrition, recovery and muscle supplements and have some of the best products on the market. It was nice being able to talk with him and Christina to catch up. It had been a while since i had had the chance to visit with anyone so the company was well appreciated especially with two super rad people like them.
We woke up and went to the Santa Monica beach on the sunday, there is a grassy loft where many yogi’s come on sundays to practice handstands, acro yoga and all sort of acrobatic activities. I did a little bit of a workout, climbed the ropes which is definitely more of a struggle now than ever, did a few handstands, but decided to go walk the pier since I can’t really do too much.
I found the cirque tent (Totem was in town), I chatted with a guy from Dubai about his country after he asked me to take a photo of him, and even found a part on the beach where they have thousands of crosses representing the number of troops that have died in the war with the middle east. It was nice to walk alone.

On my way back, a gypsy woman caught my attention with her belly dancing clothes and marvelous face painting job. I followed her to a street performing musician where she began to dance along side her. I decided in my mind that I was going to tip her so I slipped a $20 bill in my pocket but I really wanted to talk to her first, maybe get her facebook information or something. I waited for her to finish and I approached her. She took a look at me and turned her back and started rummaging through a back pack she had with her.
I simply said “Wow, amazing dancing, I am hypnotized, how long have you been doing this?” and without even looking at me she said with an annoyed voice “25 years” I didn’t know if she was annoyed by me or by the lack of finding whatever she was searching for so I persisted. “Is there a name to the style of your dance or do you just freestyle?” she was silent as though she didn’t hear me... I started feeling awkward and rejected. Then I just decided to ask one more question. “Do you have a facebook page by chance or a website?” and she barked at me “WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, HUH? UNLESS YOU’RE PLANNING TO TIP ME, FUCK OFF.” and I grabbed the $20 out of my pocket and flashed it and replied coldly “Well I was planning on giving you this, but I don’t deem it necessary to tip someone whose soul is as ugly as yours.” I turned my back as I heard her apologize but I kept walking. I came back to the grassy loft and there was a girl doing some pretty awesome single arm handstands. I had never seen another girl other than myself and I applaud anyone who gets the single arm handstand as it is hands down the most difficult skill I have ever learned (and will relearn after baby)
I waddled over to her with my pregnant belly and tried to chat with her... She was also very short and annoyed by my presence so the conversations really didn’t take off so I left her alone…

I sat down and hoped that i have never made anyone feel as sad and alone as I felt in that moment. What was wrong with the world? I understand now why so many people are afraid to speak up and talk to others when you get rejected like that. It also made me think that what if I was an agent and I was approaching these performers with the idea to offer them a job only to be treated like that. I wouldn’t hire that person…
We never know who the people are that approach us as performers. Don’t let your ego get so big that you treat people like shit that are curious about you. You never know who that person is or what that person may be going through. I’ve gotten a lot of jobs from performing because I have always tried to be courteous to others. I’ve had many approach me after a performance to compliment me and ask me questions about my profession as it is something completely new to them. I realized how many people had asked me similar questions that I asked to the gypsy dancer and after having a pleasant conversation with them they turned around and offered me to work at their wedding or some upcoming gig, or they took my information and gave it to someone and “referred me” I’m just saying to keep the door closed like these artists did in Santa Monica is not only stupid but they could also really hurt someone on an emotional level that really needed a boost.
I am also a very different person I realize from most people, I genuinely LOVE people and I LOVE hearing new stories and adventures. EVERYONE has a story to tell, everyone has something to teach you and I thrive on relationships and even simple conversations because I get to feel people and get an idea of who they are, how their mind works and why. I feel as an entertainer, it is NOT about me and my ego. It is about them and how they connect with the story I am trying to tell. The stronger the emotional connection, the more influence you will have over the audience, but if you mistreat someone who loved your act, they will forget you instantly. Treat them with respect, that everyone deserves, and you will have people raving about your act for months to years to come. Perhaps this is the secret to my success, Genuine Love and Respect.

The Phone Call

I’ve been a little down the last couple of days and just haven’t been able to shake it. Not sure if it is the gloomy weather or the fact that I received a phone call yesterday while grocery shopping at my local Trader Joes. The phone call was a producer for a big show on the Vegas Strip, particularly one I had auditioned for several times and they wanted me start work with them this coming thursday.
I was SO flattered, as I listened to him compliment my artistic style as an aerialist and a contortionist and my strength and endurance... To hear that I was one of the best he had seen, all my hours upon hours of training paying off in that moment... but my heart sank as I had to respectfully decline on the basis that I am indeed 4 months pregnant. I did tell him that my husband was available for it though and that he is an amazing handbalancer. The producer agreed to meet with us but mentioned they would prefer a female for the part of the show.
As I hung up the phone, I traveled through all sorts of emotions. Roilan asked me if I was alright, and I just told him I needed some time to think for a few minutes. We drove home in silence as I brooded. I felt so disappointed with myself, how could I get pregnant when I had finally hit my peak and found my freedom! How stupid I must be. I finally had my responsibilities straight, out of debt, had trained so hard... Then I felt a kick in my belly and I started crying... I can’t be mad at this little guy, it’s not his fault... it is HIS time now. I had been blessed with lots of time for me and much of it I had squandered away chasing crazy dreams and making a mess of my life with insecure lovers, controlling men, drug addicts, manipulative friends.
I even had a shot with Peepshow at Planet Hollywood back in 2010, they called me to come work for them as an acrobatic pole dancer after the producer saw one of my videos on youtube but my ex husband at the time begged me to give him another chance and I ended up choosing to stay with him and declined the producer of the big show… and one week later I was contacted by Miss USPDF West Coast invited as a pole competitor in the upcoming competition and I essentially gave up my dream at that time and declined…
I had always been someone else’s girl and I take full responsibility for that… I had finally found my confidence... Perhaps that is when he knew it was the appropriate time to come. His mother would be strong enough now for his purpose. I thanked the little man in my belly for choosing me and put my loving energy toward him. This is just a test, and I swear that it will only make me come back stronger. I know I can be a great mom and continue to be an artist.

Roilan and I have been living in Vegas off and on most of this year. We first moved here in April 2013 after we received a call from the San Diego Zoo. We had to step up our game if we were to survive 5 ten minute shows a day, every day for 74 days straight with zero days off.

So we trained and performed often, and the acro routine about killed my spirit. Acro with my husband has been one of the most difficult skills I have learned to date (other than single arm handstand) I would cry after our training some days because I didn’t know if i could handle it… if I was strong enough. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
After the san diego zoo ended, we moved back to Las Vegas for gigs and auditions... We learned that Vegas really is a tough market because most auditions are not really hiring. In fact most auditions are for tax write offs for the companies, but it’s also a good way to make files incase they need a quick replacement for someone who is injured or quits…
Roilan and I were turned down for many shows as well due to our height. With him being only 5’5 and me being only 5’2, we don’t fit the profiles for most shows. Overall I really miss Salt Lake City, UT. With being pregnant, I really just need to go home until after the baby so that is the plan. After February, we will be wrapping up our apartment here in Vegas and moving back to Utah until post partum... If things fall into place we may just stay, but if not, we may end up in washington in the year 2015 for some possible jobs once I am back in shape. We will be in Utah Feb 5-10 to find a place as well as for a prenatal appointment for me... I trust that everything will turn out the way it is inevitably meant to... I just sometimes overwhelm myself with the possibilities. Now it is time for some serious squats and lunges… Feel the burn, even while preggo. AS I get bigger I will need the leg strength. Hugs and blessings to you all. xoxo -Mama Hope

What's it going to be?

Conception

The real reason why I created this blog was I had a fan from my facebook page send me a private message to inquire about how I am adjusting to my performer lifestyle and training after becoming pregnant, and she told me that I should start a blog as she is sure others would be interested to hear about it and not only her. I may not answer that exact question in this blog, but I assure you, it will all come together.



To be entirely honest, it was really difficult for me in the beginning. We conceived our baby sometime in October as my last cycle was the first week of the month, and then we traveled to Utah for performances. We worked with a few companies around Salt Lake City as my Harley Quinn on aerial chains that I put together for the season as well as our Acro balance routine. I remember I was more hungry than usual, and then I was fatiguing easily. I am normally a night owl and I was craving bedtime at 9pm which was very unusual, but I got through all of my performances easy enough. Then about 3 weeks into our stay in Utah, I noticed that my 6 pack was fading and that I was looking more soft than my usual muscular self... I shrugged it off as possible premenstral bloating or to the fact that we were eating out often due to being on vacation. It wasn’t until we got back home to our apartment in Vegas when I started getting an intense painful hunger, where if I didn’t eat in that moment of hunger that I would start dry heaving furiously. I knew something was up. We came home to a flooded apartment (don’t rent cheap places in Vegas, seriously you get what you pay for) luckily nothing was seriously damaged except for our black 8‘x10’ throw rug that I used to practice contortion on which I had to remorsefully throw into the dumpster. Our place was a disaster and the only thing my husband seemed to notice was my breasts appeared larger. I told him it is all in his head but he kept staring... It finally clicked that I was over due on my lady cycle so I picked up the cheapest pee test I could find at walmart. Once again, this is another scenario where you get what you pay for. When pregnant, the test is to show a line perpendicular to the solid line.... there was kinda a line there but it was so faint I didn’t know what to make of it... so back to walmart I went, this time I picked up the digital test. I quickly did my business on it, waited for the digital hourglass signal for what seemed like an eternity….

BAM! PREGNANT.... Large, solid, clear letters. I slunk to the couch unsure of how to feel. First I felt complete joy and wonder. I started to cry and thinking “WOW, a miracle” I didn’t think I could really get pregnant. My ex husband tried and tried with me and it never happened.... I had had many relationships before my husband and it never happened, I had been with Roilan 2 years and it hadn’t happened. My father told everyone that my uterus fell out because that’s what happens to a woman who is too strong. Others told me I produced too much testosterone since I have considerably more muscles than the average woman. I was in shock and awe and those first tears were pure joy.... Then the worry hit... The fear. I began to think too much and questioning myself and my ability. The responsibility to come was too much and my brain freaked out. Roilan was ecstatic, he had been baby hungry for months! I remember him waking up in the middle of the night 8 months prior in the springtime to rub my stomach and say sleepily “Hopie, when are you going to give me a baby.” and I hastily responded “NOT FOR A FEW MORE YEARS!!!” and I remember us arguing while working at the San Diego Zoo because he didn’t believe that I wanted children because I was hesitant about the subject. I was afraid to tell anyone the news because I didn’t know if it would stick since I hear the miscarriage rate is high in the first few weeks, and I also didn’t want to give any companies a reason NOT to hire me when the holiday GIG season was around the corner. Roilan was very supportive though and that is exactly what I needed at the time. He reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere, that this is amazing, that he wants a baby so bad and that we are going to be just fine. I had the fears and I expressed them openly to him. “What if my body is destroyed? What if I can never lose the weight? What if I can never perform again? What if we can’t find anyone to watch the baby when we perform? What if we can’t travel overseas now that we have a baby?” You name the fear, I felt it in that moment and for weeks to come.

Judgement

I was recently sent this photo

And I love it because it demonstrates how everyone has a different perspective. Different goals. That is what I love about the variety of life is everyone has the right to choose what is right for them, and it sucks when you are judged for those choices by people who don't understand because their perspective is clouded by their ego. Just because being fit is my personal goal and choice does not mean I have the right to judge another woman who chooses not to be fit for whatever reason she has. She just might not be interested in fitness or maybe she has more important things to her and that is totally ok! Sometimes people have a medical problem that prevents them from their goals, when my mother had her thyroid removed, she was unable to keep the weight off, just as some people are genetically skinny no matter what they eat. I hate that we judge each other for what we often cannot genetically change. I choose to be fit but I will never have a supermodel body because I am 5'2 and super muscular and i'm ok with that. I really hope that in this journey of mine that I have never made anyone feel inferior or judged in my opinions because I never want to come off that way.