Conception

The real reason why I created this blog was I had a fan from my facebook page send me a private message to inquire about how I am adjusting to my performer lifestyle and training after becoming pregnant, and she told me that I should start a blog as she is sure others would be interested to hear about it and not only her. I may not answer that exact question in this blog, but I assure you, it will all come together.



To be entirely honest, it was really difficult for me in the beginning. We conceived our baby sometime in October as my last cycle was the first week of the month, and then we traveled to Utah for performances. We worked with a few companies around Salt Lake City as my Harley Quinn on aerial chains that I put together for the season as well as our Acro balance routine. I remember I was more hungry than usual, and then I was fatiguing easily. I am normally a night owl and I was craving bedtime at 9pm which was very unusual, but I got through all of my performances easy enough. Then about 3 weeks into our stay in Utah, I noticed that my 6 pack was fading and that I was looking more soft than my usual muscular self... I shrugged it off as possible premenstral bloating or to the fact that we were eating out often due to being on vacation. It wasn’t until we got back home to our apartment in Vegas when I started getting an intense painful hunger, where if I didn’t eat in that moment of hunger that I would start dry heaving furiously. I knew something was up. We came home to a flooded apartment (don’t rent cheap places in Vegas, seriously you get what you pay for) luckily nothing was seriously damaged except for our black 8‘x10’ throw rug that I used to practice contortion on which I had to remorsefully throw into the dumpster. Our place was a disaster and the only thing my husband seemed to notice was my breasts appeared larger. I told him it is all in his head but he kept staring... It finally clicked that I was over due on my lady cycle so I picked up the cheapest pee test I could find at walmart. Once again, this is another scenario where you get what you pay for. When pregnant, the test is to show a line perpendicular to the solid line.... there was kinda a line there but it was so faint I didn’t know what to make of it... so back to walmart I went, this time I picked up the digital test. I quickly did my business on it, waited for the digital hourglass signal for what seemed like an eternity….

BAM! PREGNANT.... Large, solid, clear letters. I slunk to the couch unsure of how to feel. First I felt complete joy and wonder. I started to cry and thinking “WOW, a miracle” I didn’t think I could really get pregnant. My ex husband tried and tried with me and it never happened.... I had had many relationships before my husband and it never happened, I had been with Roilan 2 years and it hadn’t happened. My father told everyone that my uterus fell out because that’s what happens to a woman who is too strong. Others told me I produced too much testosterone since I have considerably more muscles than the average woman. I was in shock and awe and those first tears were pure joy.... Then the worry hit... The fear. I began to think too much and questioning myself and my ability. The responsibility to come was too much and my brain freaked out. Roilan was ecstatic, he had been baby hungry for months! I remember him waking up in the middle of the night 8 months prior in the springtime to rub my stomach and say sleepily “Hopie, when are you going to give me a baby.” and I hastily responded “NOT FOR A FEW MORE YEARS!!!” and I remember us arguing while working at the San Diego Zoo because he didn’t believe that I wanted children because I was hesitant about the subject. I was afraid to tell anyone the news because I didn’t know if it would stick since I hear the miscarriage rate is high in the first few weeks, and I also didn’t want to give any companies a reason NOT to hire me when the holiday GIG season was around the corner. Roilan was very supportive though and that is exactly what I needed at the time. He reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere, that this is amazing, that he wants a baby so bad and that we are going to be just fine. I had the fears and I expressed them openly to him. “What if my body is destroyed? What if I can never lose the weight? What if I can never perform again? What if we can’t find anyone to watch the baby when we perform? What if we can’t travel overseas now that we have a baby?” You name the fear, I felt it in that moment and for weeks to come.