I was SO flattered, as I listened to him compliment my artistic style as an aerialist and a contortionist and my strength and endurance... To hear that I was one of the best he had seen, all my hours upon hours of training paying off in that moment... but my heart sank as I had to respectfully decline on the basis that I am indeed 4 months pregnant. I did tell him that my husband was available for it though and that he is an amazing handbalancer. The producer agreed to meet with us but mentioned they would prefer a female for the part of the show.
As I hung up the phone, I traveled through all sorts of emotions. Roilan asked me if I was alright, and I just told him I needed some time to think for a few minutes. We drove home in silence as I brooded. I felt so disappointed with myself, how could I get pregnant when I had finally hit my peak and found my freedom! How stupid I must be. I finally had my responsibilities straight, out of debt, had trained so hard... Then I felt a kick in my belly and I started crying... I can’t be mad at this little guy, it’s not his fault... it is HIS time now. I had been blessed with lots of time for me and much of it I had squandered away chasing crazy dreams and making a mess of my life with insecure lovers, controlling men, drug addicts, manipulative friends.
I even had a shot with Peepshow at Planet Hollywood back in 2010, they called me to come work for them as an acrobatic pole dancer after the producer saw one of my videos on youtube but my ex husband at the time begged me to give him another chance and I ended up choosing to stay with him and declined the producer of the big show… and one week later I was contacted by Miss USPDF West Coast invited as a pole competitor in the upcoming competition and I essentially gave up my dream at that time and declined…
I had always been someone else’s girl and I take full responsibility for that… I had finally found my confidence... Perhaps that is when he knew it was the appropriate time to come. His mother would be strong enough now for his purpose. I thanked the little man in my belly for choosing me and put my loving energy toward him. This is just a test, and I swear that it will only make me come back stronger. I know I can be a great mom and continue to be an artist.
Roilan and I have been living in Vegas off and on most of this year. We first moved here in April 2013 after we received a call from the San Diego Zoo. We had to step up our game if we were to survive 5 ten minute shows a day, every day for 74 days straight with zero days off.
So we trained and performed often, and the acro routine about killed my spirit. Acro with my husband has been one of the most difficult skills I have learned to date (other than single arm handstand) I would cry after our training some days because I didn’t know if i could handle it… if I was strong enough. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
After the san diego zoo ended, we moved back to Las Vegas for gigs and auditions... We learned that Vegas really is a tough market because most auditions are not really hiring. In fact most auditions are for tax write offs for the companies, but it’s also a good way to make files incase they need a quick replacement for someone who is injured or quits…
Roilan and I were turned down for many shows as well due to our height. With him being only 5’5 and me being only 5’2, we don’t fit the profiles for most shows. Overall I really miss Salt Lake City, UT. With being pregnant, I really just need to go home until after the baby so that is the plan. After February, we will be wrapping up our apartment here in Vegas and moving back to Utah until post partum... If things fall into place we may just stay, but if not, we may end up in washington in the year 2015 for some possible jobs once I am back in shape. We will be in Utah Feb 5-10 to find a place as well as for a prenatal appointment for me... I trust that everything will turn out the way it is inevitably meant to... I just sometimes overwhelm myself with the possibilities. Now it is time for some serious squats and lunges… Feel the burn, even while preggo. AS I get bigger I will need the leg strength. Hugs and blessings to you all. xoxo -Mama Hope
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